The Stuff that Scott Wrote

NEW RELEASE!!!

A is for ALL THE MONSTERS We Can’t Stand

A monster-themed coloring book for grownups

A is for All the Monsters We Can’t Stand
A list that was easy to make
When we peer into the deep, dark night
It’s full of things we can’t take…

Join Scott and Harold as they run down their list of twenty-six monsters that really grind their gears. Each letter of the alphabet has an original illustration by artist Harold Torres and a poem by author Scott Burtness.

Coloring book fans of all levels will enjoy bringing these monsters to life. Each illustration includes fine details and areas where your imagination can run wilder than a chupacabra on a bender. Single-sided pages will ensure your coloring doesn’t bleed into the next image. By the time you’re done with this book, you’ll have a visually stunning reference guide for the worst of the worst of the monsters, including:

  • Banshee
  • Gorgon
  • Imps
  • Ogre
  • Revenant
  • Wendigo
  • and twenty other rotten, no-good monsters

A bit about Scott and Harold…

When it comes to ghouls and nasties
They know a thing or three
So enjoy their handy, dandy list
Of monsters from A to Z!

CONTAINS ADULT LANGUAGE. NOT INTENDED FOR CHILDREN.

Available on Amazon

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The Misadventures of a Paranormal Post-Relationship
Personal Effects Repossession Specialist

Book cover for An Oracle Walks into a Bar

*** AMAZON #1 NEW RELEASE ***

Humorous Dark Comedy Books
Humorous Fantasy Books

August Shade has found his niche. The cynical shapeshifter knows all too well that most relationshipse don’t last. He also knows that after a messy breakup, most people – human or otherwise – just want two things: their stuff back, and to never see their ex again. For a reasonable fee, August can help. He’s a post-relationship personal effects repossession specialist. Satisfaction not guaranteed, but at least you’ll have that special whatever back.

Vilde Tanck has found her destiny. Guided by her horoscopes, the huldra hires August to reclaim an unusual book. It reveals the secret of the Zodiac’s thirteenth sign, bestows its reader with the power to write their own future, and is currently in the possession of her vampire ex-lover.

Clarissa Steyer has found her calling. The oracle writes horoscopes for the local paper. Her celestial predictions help keep the world spinning. Now August is in all of her visions and the world might be coming to an end. She knows that the shapeshifter can change into a lot of things, but can he change the future?

Plagued by the oracle’s horoscopes, haunted by a dark past, and grappling with his penchant for making bad decisions, the only sure thing about August’s future is that it looks short.

Available in eBook and paperback format on Amazon

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Monsters in the Midwest

Available in eBook, paperback, and audiobook format on Amazon

About the series:

Herb, Dallas, and Stanley live in northern Wisconsin, where life is nice and simple.

Until Herb becomes a vampire.
And Dallas becomes a werewolf.
And Stanley becomes a zombie.

Join the three friends on their hilariously awkward journeys as they learn that there really are monsters in the Midwest, and that’s not always a bad thing.

Wisconsin Vamp (Monsters in the Midwest, Book One)

Some vampires are destined for greatness. He’s not one of them.

When truckstop diner cook and mediocre bowler Herb Knudsen becomes a vampire, his once simple life gets a bit more complicated.

Herb’s not even sure how it happened. He wasn’t bitten by a vampire, which means there’s no one around to help him learn the ropes. With no one to guide him, Herb fumbles into his newfound abilities, courting disaster with every step.

Despite learning each new lesson the hard way, being a vampire isn’t all bad. He’s stronger, a little sexier, and a heck of a lot better at bowling. Even Lois, the girl of his dreams, is starting to notice him. But he can’t drink beer, the bodies are piling up, and his best friend Dallas isn’t just getting suspicious – he’s getting jealous.

When Lois is caught in the middle of the two friends’ escalating rivalry, keeping his dark secret becomes the least of Herb’s concerns.

Northwoods Wolfman (Monsters in the Midwest, Book Two)

When Dallas, the self-proclaimed Hero of Trappersville, is recruited by an ancient order of monster hunters, he’s more than happy to sign up. The group’s leader, Colton, is solid as an oak. Randall ain’t half bad, despite his tendency to whine. The whip-smart, beautiful, and totally badass Aletia is whip-smart, beautiful, and totally badass. Under their guidance, Dallas learns everything there is to know about hunting monsters (or close enough) and pledges to keep his friends safe.

Now there’s a werewolf in town, and Dallas and Stanley are on the case. As far as Dallas is concerned, monsters are monsters, and they have no place in Wisconsin.

Or do they? When an unexpected discovery and an unlikely reunion turn his world upside down, Dallas realizes he may not get to choose which side he’s on.

Undead Cheesehead (Monsters in the Midwest, Book Three)

Stanley’s lonely.

Before the strange events of the past few months, the self-proclaimed alien abductee and T.V. crime drama aficionado would drink and bowl with his friends, Herb and Dallas. But no one’s seen hide nor hair of Dallas in the longest, and Herb’s been spending all of his time with his girlfriend, Lois.

That just leaves Stanley, and Stanley’s lonely.

Everything changes when Stanley becomes a zombie. With each bite, he gains a new friend. Soon, he has more friends than he would’ve ever thought possible. If he could just sink his teeth into Herb, Lois, and Dallas, they’d all be together again, and everything would be perfect.

Meanwhile…

Everything changes when Stanley’s home is vandalized. After someone breaks all of his dinner plates and ruins his last hotdog, a zombie apocalypse overtakes Trappersville. To make matters worse, the Society shows up. Stanley and his supernatural friends are trapped between an ancient order of monster hunters and a hungry zombie horde. If that wasn’t bad enough, one zombie in particular looks a lot like Stanley.

Things aren’t looking good for the fine folks of Trappersville, Wisconsin. Will Stanley, his friends, and the entire town be lost?

Over Stanley’s dead bodies.

~~~

Shorter Stuff

Happy Holidays Anthology

Edited by Andrew Christie, published by Kwarts Publishers
Featuring Scott’s paranormal comedy short story, “The Potluck”

The Happy Holidays Anthology is a collection of fourteen fun, funny or fulfilling short stories from all over the world.
This anthology has been created for the reader who is caught up in the stress of the holiday season, providing stories that you can dip into at the end of a tiring day or perhaps while planning who will spend what day with which part of the family.
Fourteen authors each created a story especially for this anthology – with stern instructions to provide stories that entertain. This is all in support of World Literacy, so when you read this book you can feel good about supporting a worthy cause whilst having a chuckle!

Scarecrow

Edited by Rhonda Parrish, published by World Weaver Press
Featuring Scott’s dark sci-fi short story, “If I Only Had an Autogenic Cognitive Decision Matrix”

Hay-men, mommets, tattie bogles, kakashi, tao-tao—whether formed of straw or other materials, the tradition of scarecrows is pervasive in farming cultures around the world. The scarecrow serves as decoy, proxy, and effigy—human but not human. We create them in our image and ask them to protect our crops and by extension our very survival, but we refrain from giving them the things a creation might crave—souls, brains, free-will, love. In Scarecrow, fifteen authors of speculative fiction explore what such creatures might do to gain the things they need or, more dangerously, think they want.

Within these pages, ancient enemies join together to destroy a mad mommet, a scarecrow who is a crow protects solar fields and stores long-lost family secrets, a woman falls in love with a scarecrow, and another becomes one. Encounter scarecrows made of straw, imagination, memory, and robotics while being spirited to Oz, mythological Japan, other planets, and a neighbor’s back garden. After experiencing this book, you’ll never look at a hay-man the same.

For Whom the Bell Trolls

Edited by John L. Monk and Lindy Moone
Featuring Scott’s horror-comedy short story, “Bay City Trollers”

It’s a Smorgasbord of Trolls!
Funny, touching, titillating and suspenseful, there’s a story for every adult reader in For Whom the Bell Trolls, a unique, illustrated “antrollogy” by 24 international authors. Arranged from light to meaty fare, the book’s “menu” offers up fanciful and farcical stories, family-oriented tales, romance, mystery, even magically surreal literary stories — starring all sorts of trolls, from the all-too-real Internet variety to the man-eating, bridge-dwelling trolls of legend.

Spontaneous Combustion vol 2

Edited by Michael Strand, published by Sic Semper Serpent
Featuring Scott’s speculative fiction story, “Forever Portend”

Spontaneous Combustion is the classic “play-in-a-day” theater exercise in literary event form. We gather writers together, provide three story prompts, and give them 24 hours to compose a unique piece of pulp fiction. Our favorites are invited back to prose-slam their short stories for a public audience. In the end, everyone casts a vote and the people-chosen “Top Tales” are bound in the next volume.

Awaiting you in Vol. II of this explosive literary tradition is a powderkeg of short fiction spanning multiple genres, from writers Maxwell Reagan, Claudia Ionescu, Mike Lauer, Nathan Sacks, D. Zane Davis, Stephanie Olson, Claire Hoy, Michael T. Johnson, Scott Burtness, Deidra Purvis, and Randy Holland. We call it a book-in-a-day. Prepare to spontaneously combust.